You have been named supreme ruler of the universe. Your first order of business is creating and instituting a holiday or festival in your honor. What day of the year is your holiday? What special events will take place? Describe YOU DAY in as great a detail as you can muster: the special foods we’ll consume, the decorations we’ll use…everything.
Photographers, artists, poets: show us FESTIVE.
Let all those with legs dance! Those with voices, sing! Let all be jolly on this day, for Oliver Day only comes but once a year. Being the one and only appointed Supreme Ruler of the Universe calls for a holiday of an equivalent caliber.
However, as any hardworking ruler of the universe would know, productivity is essential for the world to keep spinning. Like other holidays hospitals, police departments, fire departments, and other important services remain available to assist citizens as needed. Privately owned businesses treat Oliver Day as if it were any other government holiday. Being that it falls on November 27th, the day I was born, it often steals Thanksgiving’s thunder.
This marvelous day must be glorified and kept merry. Streamers, glitter, and confetti litter the streets. Buzz killers are fined. And to intentional commit any crime on this day results in a far more severe punishment than any other day of the year. Jaywalking fines are three times more than normal. And if you enjoy having your head attached to your body, crimes such as abuse and murder should be avoided at all costs.
But don’t let that damper your spirits. Oliver Day is a joyous day of merriment and gratitude. There will be a reasonably sized tax reimbursement to all citizens that have abided by all my rules and have stayed out of trouble for the year. In addition, these do-gooders are entered into a lottery where one name will be drawn. I will personally fly out to that individual’s residence where he or she will get the chance to shake my hand on television. That winner is also granted one wish that is within my power to fulfill with my given resources. Wealth, an endless supply of their favorite food, a mansion, their own reality show to star in—the possibilities are virtually limitless.
There will also be a second drawing only available to each year’s members of the Miss Universe competition. The winner is awarded a date with the Ruler of the Universe himself. Such an honor! Participation in this tradition is required, of course.
Everyone finds similarities to other holidays within Oliver Day. In the morning, there is the traditional exchanging of gifts, in which each person gives a gift to a loved one. All day long on TV, there are documentaries of my accomplishments shown in my honor. At least one hour of the day must be spent watching them. Afterwards, each family must discuss what they are thankful that their Universal Ruler has done for them. They write it down on a piece of paper, tie it to a black balloon (The Ruler’s favorite color) and let it loose outside.
At dinner, it is tradition to have a huge feast. Turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, seem to be the population’s favorites—followed by a cake and ice cream dessert. Around nine-o-clock the annual fireworks ceremony begins. Each year, major city blocks are closed down to allow for parades the likes of which have never been seen. It is at this point that I, along with my bodyguards and the selected literal Miss Universe, make our appearance in one major city each year. After giving an inspiring speech on global TV, I lead my small entourage and select pre-screened ordinary citizens into a ballroom. There, Miss Universe and I engage in the opening dance, a classy and elegant cavort. After the first song, the others may join the dance floor. All throughout the night, citizens are allowed to come up to the podium and provide a personal televised speech on how thankful they are for my leadership.
Nearing midnight, I give a final wrap-up speech on how great of a year it has been for ruling the universe and how another great year is on its way. When the clock finally strikes twelve, the cameras go off for the day. However, the partying and dancing does not stop until everyone leaves of their own accord.
It’s a festive day indeed. Not too over-the-top, I don’t think. Some of my constituents in my district of everywhere say they sense divinity in me, as if I am omnipresent—Oliver-the-place at once, if you will. But don’t be absurd. That can’t necessarily be proven—as of yet. Let me just assure you. I’m nothing more than your humble Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Here to serve you. The people.
Happy Oliver Day, Everyone!